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5/18/22: Yesterday was half-ways pleasant. I apologized to Joe for getting so angry when he makes those stupid mistakes, but I can't help it. That time it involved calling someone to find out he paid a bill and didn't tell me about it. How that makes us look! But we did go to Madison, I did get my $6 back from Metcalf, we saw a movie that was enjoyable but flawed. Uncharted, if you're curious, set up for a sequel. Don't they all do that these days? Not the good ones. Used up the rest of my birthday gift certificates and had dinner at Butterfly Club. I got duck, he got shrimp. I'm adventurous. He's not. I told him to ask his therapist about why he keeps making me mad, to see if she can suggest marital counseling. It's just so hard for two people so opposite to live together. I know I'm getting the temper my grandpa had as he got older, and it's not pleasant. Writing is an interesting journey lately, too -- I got a no to my article for LWV, a "we'll hold onto it," from New Mexico Magazine on my Slaughter Cave/Carlsbad Caverns rock art, a nice but critical response to my Northern Copper book, a "we'll see if we can work it in" from WAS, and nothing nowhere from anywhere on any of my novel queries. Still might get a response from Soft Skull, they asked for an extension on Archaeology of the Dead. But I'm making so many changes since then I doubt they'll want it. Happy Birthday memories to Pernell Roberts, the man who taught me job satisfaction is more important than money.


5/17/22: Happy 45th wedding anniversary. Wait. Did I say happy? I had another meltdown just previous in balancing the checkbook when two debts were not subtracted, both his, one I had to call on because I didn't know what it was, and it was that he paid the Beloit paper and did NOT tell me. Yesterday I found out he and Chris fixed my ceiling fan and he did NOT tell me until we were are Menards and I had a new fan in the cart. He knew I was going to look at them but then said, I thought you wanted a fan for the basement. When did I EVER talk about a fan for the basement? Honestly, he's getting worse. If there's such a thing as old age autism he has it, he lives in his little bubble where only the words HE speaks have any meaning. Nothing I say gets through that bubble, and at the same time, I am supposed to pay attention to every move he makes. I will have a coronary one of these days. Yes, it IS nice not to have to replace the fan, so thank you, Chris! But geez, was it so hard to tell me? Carrie and I were working on my website in my office but he was just SURE I saw them working on it, after I told him NOT to ask for Chris's help. Unbelievable. I hadn't a clue. I didn't mention they were here on Sunday and we provided lunch and dinner and played a cool game "Dude" where acting ability appears to count. I had Chris in stitches anyway. We went to Vintage Etc. which is a really cool new little antique plus shop in Beloit. They were just hopping when they saw stuff there, and at Bushel and Peck, where they even found wrestling socks. And this is happiness from two people who live outside Chicago. Carrie had to blow it by saying my sons are punishing me for not going to Ramon's memorial, which I then later had to ask Adam about and he and Ben said so not true. So Carrie then got called on it and apologized - to Adam. This is the event that made Sunday hard to talk about yesterday. Anyway, I got a physical scheduled for July because my husband makes my chest hurt. Does anything make sense? Not to me either. 


5/16/22: This is a really hard day to write. I try every day to be so upbeat, but you know how shit happens, right? I love my kids dearly, and equally, but their responses to me are anything but equal. And now I'm doing what I've put off and what I still don't want to do. Seeking a mental therapist. I mean, what is it about a person who seems to WANT to fail at everything? It seems the only thing I don't fail at is when I'm pretending to be someone else. I personally don't think anyone is going to be able to help. I am very resistent to being medicated, you see, and I also can pretty well psycho-analyze myself. Always aced psychology classes, even at the college level. And though I sometimes think I'm ADHD or at least ADD, I think my writing has helped me learn focus. It's not that I never finish anything, or procrastinate. It's just that I don't like being bored. But what kind of person gets on two local boards and proceeds to cause nothing but trouble? I mean, who does that? Someone looking for failure, right? Someone looking ... to be beaten to death. I just spent an hour this morning getting a query ready on Journal of an Undead: Love Stories to a publisher who sounded perfect, who I didn't see rejected previously published. But apparently they only put it in the second list of guidelines, not in the first. Because I saw it, just before hitting submit, plain as day, and thought, hell, I spent all this time so I'm sending anyway. And I did. Hell. Seeking failure. And thinking about Anubis still makes me cry.


5/15/22: I put so much time into yesterday's audition, having this vision of filming it twice and then editing the best of the two together. Let's just say that I did so much work, and ediing worked for me, too, finally sending them the second version, that losing this one wouldn't be because I didn't try. It will be that I just wasn't good enough. As is the case every time. I mean, if they're going to reject me because I don't have the right background or don't have the right portrait photo or my lighting isn't quite right, then I'm just in the wrong business. And maybe I am. But I just invested money in a photo backdrop and a tripod because I had to masking tape the old one up. Now that I have the shorter cut I'm going to keep -- and I had to work with that, too -- I'm going to do a portrait session of my own here. I invested in Casting Network for a year so this is it, folks! It ain't writing or nothing else. Anyone ever wonder why they like the things they do? I like to shop and I like to explore the pre-historic trade network. See a similarity? I like the movie The Lost City and I like writing my archaeology novel. I don't like the way people treat me. I'm on two boards now and am being treated poorly on both. I suggest that memberships need to offer more value and get jumped all over. We don't push them, at all. We can't push them at the receptions because we don't know who's a member. And we shouldn't do it there anyway. That's gauche. I write what I think is a stunning article for the other board, at their request, and they want to "zoom to discuss it," without giving me a clue how bad (or good) they think it is. Don't they know that's intimidating to a new board member? Jeepers. It's not like my books sell like hotcakes, making me a renowned writer or anything. Well, that was my yesterday. Today I get to hostess Carrie and Chris and a good time will be had by all. Here in Beloit. Maybe.


5/14/22: So people DO come for the blog, even if the stats don't show it. Good to know, I'll have to find another for next week. Sure didn't come for the newsletter, and I don't blame you. Yesteday I got an audition request that would have needed me free the week of June 20th. Well, I'm not and so I declined the audition. The next thing I knew I was getting re-invited as they changed the shoot date to the week of the 13th! Did they do that for me? One can only hope. Anyway you'll hear of my failures here because I'm not posting these auditions on Facebook, only my actual bookings. This isn't big money, but it does sound like fun. I'll be doing my tapings today, two different ones in two different wardrobes and then splicing them together. I get to talk about being a grandma. The other 'event' yesterday was one of the two remaining times I would agree to usher at JPAC to see if I can learn to enjoy it, warts and all. And it all went well, at first. No scanning, just ripping tickets, every usher had their place. It was dance recital night for middle schoolers, so you know, that meant a lot of families, parents with babies, that kind of thing. Well, as would inevitably happen (only to me) a kid vomited in the hall and I had to be the one to get help to get it cleaned up. The boss for the night got the bucket but I had to find ways to keep people away and then run around looking for paper towels to help it dry because I had no idea when the audience would start streaming out. And I was already not feeling real swell before that! I was stationed at a door to make sure people didn't try to get in during a dance number, but the usher inside kept letting them leave during a dance number. Sigh. And come and go these parents did all night long. My last usher experience is for the small theater, the one I hope to get to do my play, so maybe I'll just stick to those - never  parents night ever again. 


5/13/22: New blog on the abortion debate available, based on the research I did to prove this is a nonpartisan issue. I have four fiction and four nonfiction for sale as a SP author at Amazon. Ugh. For someone who never wanted to be SP, that's ugh. My 9th, Northern Wisconsin Copper Artifact Resource Manual, is on course for end of May. The two books I'm editing? One I can circulate freely once I finish the read aloud, the other will need another edit as my female lead character still bugs me. I cannot tell you how many times I've changed her name to try and pull out the right characterization. Names are important, you know. Mine cursed me, I think. Had an alarming illumination with hubby yesterday, who I get mad at because he never reminds me of his appointments. He's waiting right now to get groceries. We were gonna go yesterday but he had his 7 a.m. mental health phone interview and I had to run and buy my yogurt because I had nothing for breakfast. He says "Well, go buy some fast food." He knows I can't eat that shit! For crum's sake. So yeah, I got mad because he keeps thinking I can remember everything even when it's not on the calendar. When I got back and he got done with the call I told him we have to get groceries on Friday instead. I had to get my booster that morning and work the Art Center that afternoon. Anyway, I asked him, well, what did they tell you to do about me? He says we don't talk about you. You don't talk about the person you've lived with for nearly 50 years? And then I says, you mean you live in a vacuum? And he agreed with that! Can you imagine? Well, now I know a lot more about our relationship, and everything, all the ways he's treated me, all the ways I've sought other people in my life, it all makes sense. I just don't have any impact on him at all. Is that the way marriage is supposed to be? 


5/12/22: The feeling of being overwhelmed is hitting again. I have to write up and article for LWV and register myself for a conference in June, paying for everything until they reimburse me. I had to type up the minutes for BAC and sent them to a few people for approval but I don't have all the emails. I was told that I was sent the agenda and that should have all the emails. Well, sorry, but I'm not going to go and look for that. I was ready to get groceries this morning at 7 because I was out of yogurt, I know, bad planning, but Joe had one of his 'phone calls' which he didn't mention to me last night when I said we were getting groceries the next morning. So when I wanted to go at 7 because I had nothing to eat he goes well, we can't, go get some fast food breakfast somewhere. Like he doesn't know my diet restrictions at all. I'm ready to implode. Do you know businesses don't want to give you those rebates like they tell you you'll get it if you buy this or that? I cannot tell you how many times that's happened to me recently. Yes, I still clip coupons, something my lawyer sister with all the estate dough has never done. I'll just bet, because honestly I don't know anything about her except that they're loaded and got all of mom's estate, too. Oh, but she sent me a birthday greeting. Not a card, just a greeting. Gee thanks. I'm getting my booster today. Yay.


5/11/22: Always makes for a kind of sad day, but it shouldn't. It means it'll be another year before I have to up my age again. Got my short story submitted but no guarantees, of course. Just hoping it'll make me $100 and then I queried on my Oconto copper work to see if they'd be interested, it might look like a marketing ploy. No response yet. Pensaukee continues to sell, my husband continues to enjoy his read, but nothing else is selling. I must have saturated the world with Bonanza, I guess. Red-line and read aloud edits are proceeding. It's funny, I'll say this is the last time I'm editing Archaeology of the Dead but as soon as I get a negative publisher response it's "what's wrong with it now" all over again. I was made secretary on the board of Beloit Art Center because their secretary is moving out of state for a year. And the alcohol committee meeting was interesting, with a cop and a lawyer there. I had newbie questions. Pretty much it for my birthday, except for nice conversations with my sons, and a happy birthday song from those lovely granddaughters. Ben tried to insult me and I didn't get it but Eleanor did. That was funny. Oh, and hot as hell, thank you very much.


5/10/22: Yup, happy birthday me. Last year of my 60's. I'll officially be a crone next year, wizened with wisdom. How will I spend it today? Well, I'm going to paint my nails. Work on my projects. Send out a new short story I wrote for a market that asked for one and hope they buy it. Query about putting something from my new copper book into the Wisconsin Archeologist. Maybe a little yoga would be nice. Then at 4 p.m. I have to be at my first city committee meeting on alchohol, and from there wolf down a quick peanut butter sandwich before heading to my second meeting, which is my first on the board of the Beloit Art Center. Then back home to watch Bonanza. Lovely day. And lots of wonderful birthday cards. Plus flowers from Ben and Amanda and my granddaughters, and a movie gift card from Adam and Malavika.


I am working on another blog, but not for this site. It's for the League of Women Voters who want one of pro-choice and I said I'd find a way to make it nonpartisan. Good luck me! So I got on that board and I'm going to their state conference in June, which is in Appleton, which means I can save them money by staying at my aunt's house. I guess I should ask her about that. My husband learned to his horror that the lawn care people my son  hired showed up and didn't even talk to us about the work but just mowed on ahead, clipping trees and cutting off some of the vine he had growing up the big tree. I thought I told Ben to cancel that. Joe had just mowed the lawn, too, but did they notice it didn't need it? I just hope Ben and Amanda learn to trust me now when I say Joe doesn't need that kind of help. I really hate not being trusted. My goal for this last year? Well, it is the last year I'll be trying for any film or commercial roles. I do hope to fit in some travel but haven't worked out how yet.


5/9/22: My life's a rollercoaster that I'd love to get off! Seriously, how was your Mother's Day? Non-essential? A whatever kind of day? I had a lovely drive up Milwaukee's lakeshore yesterday on the way to filming. Found a beach that I want to take a Milwaukee friend to on Wednesday. That is really nice, what Milwaukee's done to that area, even making the water swimmable, no small feat. Filming was interesting. As predictable, too, very personal to the gal doing it. She wanted to make me into her therapist, which, of course, isn't quite fair but I think I did okay. They didn't offer the bagels and coffee before the shoot, and after the wrap I needed to get back on the road again. Plus she didn't up the gas money in lieu of the fact that gas prices went up since the agreement and I didn't have the heart to ask for more. Oh well, another experience in my coat pocket, as they say. Couldn't get my aunt to agree yet to a date for Door County next week. I am prepared to go it alone. It was nice having aunt and brother for dinner but the treasure chest Marty brought along to pry open was a bust. Who locks a chest with nothing in it? Obviously my grandfather did. Looks like an early 1900s kind of metal thing, very heavy so they were unable to shake to see if it rattles. Mar wanted to learn how to score in Oh Hell so she can play with friends. Decided she doesn't want to play with friends! She was doing fine, though, once she understood that adding a negative to an negative creates a number that's a higher negative.


5/8/22: I'm gonna do this now because I have no idea what Sunday will bring and isn't that half the fun? I'm not getting responses from tomorrow's director so I'm tempted to ditch the whole thing, but knowing me, I won't be able to. Still, I don't see any reason for her not sending me the script, refusing to answer me, stuff like that. So why should I drive all the way to the Lakeshore, only to be told to go home? Do I need it? I also don't need JPac, which I've decided is one volunteer job too many. Yes, I may have acted like a spoiled brat over what went wrong today, but it seems to me that they, and not I, should know how to figure things out. I've got a couple more gigs there this month, and then I'm out, baby! I got the bell on Keanu, and now, I don't know if I'll ever see her again. Maybe that's just one thing too much for the poor dear. There are feathers in the basement I've not cleaned up yet. And it's true she pays no attention to Matrix. Ah me. Sometimes it's so hard to know what to do. Nice thing that happened is that the new Rock County Humane Society WILL take our cat tree. We just have to figure out how to get it there. UPDATE: I think I'm getting the better of me. How I wish this filming was cancelled last minute and I could decide never ever to do these things again. Just not feeling it anymore, certainly not for this long drive. I have to add, yesterday, while ushering at JPAC where everything went wrong for me, it was a kids' drama performance and I know I should have stayed to watch but I wasn't in the mood. On the way up to perform I told a group of kids to 'break a leg,' and the looks I got! One said I don't wanna break a leg. Too darned cute.


5/7/22: Finally made contact with the theater department at UW-Madison for Deadline. If anyone can do a play like that, they can. If they can't then I guess it's dead-lined, at least for now. I haven't been able to get a zoom performance of Final Curtain together, but I did send it to two AG Theatrical members. Hope for a response on what's missing there. Last night was kind of a bust -- only spent a little while at the Art Reception but did learn where I can get the frames I need. Hobby Lobby. Ugh. Beloit has terrible choices for dinner, so we ended up eating at home. Was supposed to be my birthday dinner. Oh well, we'll eat out on our anniversary. I've been promising him Butterfly Club. Eating out isn't what it used to be, is it? I mean with help shortages all over, you just never know what you're going to get anymore. Am I right? I think soon enough all eating out will be on a reservation only basis. And you know what that means.



5/5/22: My problem is lack of value. I should be a spider. I know, spiders creep me out. But they do it right. When their babies burst from them into the world, they die. Of course, their babies don't need to be fed. They burst ready to take on the world. Maybe women, too, should die once their children are ready to take on the world. My aunt Virginia did this. She got breast cancer and lived long enough to see her youngest graduate high school. What does a woman do who loses value? I know the first thing I did when I was done breast-feeding Ben was to help form a theater group in Oconto, that was coincidentally forming at the time. No such thing as coincidence, right? All the time I spent in the theater, that cost me money rather than made me money, and all the part-time jobs while my kids were growing so that I could afford things for them ... I still remember the first time I bought myself new clothes. Who remembers these things? So where's my value? My kids don't need me, and in fact it feels like they'd rather not even know I'm out there. I know. I'm needy. I hate that about me. I was aked by my agent to audition for a TikTok video about the love of grilling pork. Sigh. Of course I turned it down. I'm living where I don't want to be, a live I don't want to have, and I guess I just wish someone understood. Instead, all I get is criticism. Why can't I be a spider?


5/4/22: This morning I find out my husband threw the Beloit paper invoice away even though I told him that because of my volunteer work in Beloit we should keep getting the paper. No, the Northman was a lousy, not worth it movie. It made me ashamed of being white. How brutal those people were. Otherwise I had a nice day yesterday, bought stuff for Mother's Day Sunday and got my filming location and what I need to wear and all. They're going to see that we can be done by noon on Sunday, that's the plan anyway. The hope. I'm hoping for earlier, actually. Wait til they see how good I am. (grin) Why do I keep doing this stuff for no pay? I enjoy it, I guess. There's little enough I do that I'm good at and enjoy that others want. Yes, I sold another Pensaukee, but so far, no word on if anyone likes it.


5/3/22: A typical conversation with the hubby. "The Northman is on at 3 today. So we should pack a lunch because we'll eat out after." "Oh, I don't know if I want to see that." "It's supposed to rain." "Yeah, I was planning to come home to mow the lawn." "They predicted rain. You told me you'd mow tomorrow." "It's supposed to start warming up tomorrow." "So why don't you want to see the movie today?" "We can see the movie today." "You just said you didn't want to." "Well, I saw the whole Viking series. Not sure I'm big on the movie. And you probably have better things to do." "It's cheap Tuesday movie day. And we're already in Madison. And I don't have a job or jury duty, and will enjoy a break. I was going to see it if you wanted to." "Okay, then, let's see it." Why do I have to tell him things he already knows? Sigh. What a miserable experience last night with Dramatists  End of Play group. Sad thing is, I kind of let them know it, too. You had 50 people in the room, and they were allowing everyone, in an hour, tell their experiences with writing their play? So of course you had all these people going on and on and on, and when it got to be my turn I kept it short and sweet. Everyone else got responses. Me, it was okay, who's next? It was that typical experience when I was a substitute teacher where I learned the bad kids' names because they're the ones who got the attention. At the end someone was asking for a copy of the chat, so I told everyone how to save it. Did that even get acknowledged? I also mentioned that I paid $20 more for copyright than they said I would. I was told by another member in chat that I screwed up. Oookaaay. So at the end one talked about how much better she writes on deadline and I had said that! That was my focus! And then she said, hey Deb, are you the one who talked about writing for an older actress? That was me! So there's another group I won't renew. During the session, and by the way I had to eat dinner fast because it was from 5 to 6:30, really hate these national zooms, I emailed my AG Theatricals to do a zoom read on my new play and have not yet received a single response. I'm thinking I just don't belong to a professional group. Someone at AG bitched me out because I recommend he take his bloated memoir to Amazon, after he said he won't cut it and he wants traditional. Good grief. Is it really ME who doesn't belong? Yeah, because it's so hard to ignore the idiots. Now I'm on the Beloit Art Center board, and have been trying hard to understand artists, and have been invited to sit in on the League of Women Voters board as I mentioned I'd consider joining. I keep thinking there must be a place for me somewhere. On the good news front, Pensaukee is selling better than expected. On the bad news front, still no contact about this Sunday's filming. I suspect they got someone back they must have lost when they had to quick pick someone else up. Story of my life.


5/2/22: No new details yet about film shoot on Sunday. I was supposed to get everything over the weekend. I got my first press release out for this Friday's Art Reception, hope there's a good turnout or I'll be blamed. So please do stop in. Keanu continues to amaze me. She wanted to go in my bedroom yesterday morning but I had the door shut. So she spent the entire day sleeping in my office where I was working, even after I opened my bedroom door. She hates it when I call her a bad girl. Today is her collar day. Finished Archaeology of the Dead except I have to do a couple more read alouds on the next two chapters to get a couple of queries out. I think the book has a lot to offer but not as a thriller, really. Not sure what I'd classify it as. That's a problem with most of my work. I guess I'll have to call it literary. Then on to Journal of an Undead: Climax. I'm going to see how far I get reading that aloud, if too many changes are needed then it's not a final draft, is it. I'm also working on Virginia City and my Slaughter Cave rock art project from 2005. It's hard finding the sources I needed. I suspect they're all at Carlsbad Caverns. I did order another rock art book that I hope will help.

4/30/22: Last day of April and what a lousy one it is. You know what's always been nice about April? Nice weather and no bugs yet. We sure didn't get to enjoy that this year. As soon as the weather warms up enough to enjoy in the days to come the bugs will be there, too. Oh, not as bad as when we lived in Abrams. The mosquitoes! They used to dive bomb us in bed at night. Bugs are a sign of a healthy world, but still, uck. Al Franken was masterful last night. He's really good at impressions. He mentioned Trump but then veered away. About why he left the Senate, no, he only expressed disappointment in his fellow Democrats for not supporting him and giving him a chance to prove innocence. Jealousy, much? Anyway, what he's doing is making these appearances as a fund raiser for this year's Democratic candidates, because, as he says, it's scary out there if they don't win. He said that as soon as he got to the Senate everyone was telling him not to to be funny. Don't be funny. DON'T be funny. So of course he shared the jokes. Diane Feinstein even told him she didn't know he wasn't stupid. She thought all comedians were stupid because they said stupid things. Yeah, Al Franken was railroaded out, by both parties. He would have been an awesome president. Oh, and darn it! No jury duty last week. One appearance and I'm done. I'm disappointed. I wanted to be on a jury.


4/29/22: Getting back in the swing again, with a confirmed role to film on 5/8. Since that's Mother's Day, I'm hoping they'll not waste time and I'll get a chance to do lunch with Isabel before rushing home and having dinner with my aunt at our house. Thanks for playing pity along with me, and yes, I might do another newsletter, but they don't have to be weekly, right? I'll make sure I have something to say, like announcing my new video series, which I hope to get into SOON. I'm back at work on Virginia City, which could top out at 100,000 words before I'm done, but I don't want to miss anything. Well, heck, Bonanza had over 400 episodes and I don't want to miss any.  So far 83 of them are in a chart where I divide them up into drama, comedy and western because there's no VC history or history of any kind that I can date. But quite a few are popping up in the chapters, where they belong. You will be amazed! I am sitting and waiting to start the final edit of Northern Wisconsin, have four people I'm waiting to hear from. And hopefully with this time to focus on Archaeology of the Dead, I'll have that edit done by the weekend. I weaned myself off the digestive disorder medication because I had changed my diet and want to see if I'm feeling better. Yesterday? Nope? Might have to give up bagels. Or go back on the pills for the rest of my life. Hate the idea. Trying to find out how to get my second booster shot. Joe's got us scheduled at his clinic but it seems I should go to my clinic. TONIGHT is Al Franken night! Should be interesting. I want to hear him talk real, and his route back into politics. Intersting email this morning - an anthology publisher remembered rejecting my last story and wants me to submit for this one. Goodie, now they're asking me to get rejected.


4/28/22: Well, La-di-da! I missed putting out the newsletter yesterday. As a marketing tool it's a real dud. (Bomb means good now, right?) So consider the one-day-late one my last one. This month's sales have been the lowest since I started keeping track, and that's a loooooong time. Two of the three books sold I bought myself. That's baaaad. So one more newsletter, because you know, it does make me feel narcissist. Maybe I am, who knows. I got accepted into a short film for a UW-Milwaukee student, which it sounds like I'll be making a drive to Milwaukee on the 8th. Yeah, self-pity continues, because it's easy enough for me to give myself away. Feel I have nothing of any real value. I'll keep trying, because it's either that or dying, right? In an effort to add more value, however, I did update on the link page more of my blogs that you can copy and paste the link to go right to, if any sound of interest to you that you haven't already read.


4/27/22: I'm in failure mode again. Allow me a bit of self-pity. I think someone with a name like mine just naturally felt destined for great things. I had many reasons I was able to get to be authorized Bonanza novelist, but that's all I'm destined for. A life on the stage does not equate to anything more than the ability, perhaps, to write theater scripts, which I'll admit I enjoy doing. But I've been agented now for nearly three years and in all those commercial and film auditions, dozens and dozens, I've gotten only one. Two other commercials were based off my photo. I can't get or retain many film opportunities, either, though I have one coming up to shoot in May. About three lines at the end, which reminds me, I guess I should read the whole movie. It's the longest I've been in but my appearance is very short. I've been feeling so rejected since not getting on jury trial, and I know that's not like a rehearsal for a play, it's completely different. I just wish I knew what I did wrong. No family coming to visit this year makes me feel like a failure of a mother, and yes, I know I don't come across like a normal person to most members of my family, but I am what I am and I don't know what to do about that. Yeah, I'm emotional and passionate and that's what makes me a good actress, right? I'm being rejected for my research right and left, although so far Joe enjoys the Pensaukee book well enough, I guess. I just can't seem to find my place. Where I belong. Who I belong with. What's next. I did get, on Facebook, some encouragement to finish a Carlsbad pictograph presentation I created back in 2005. I guess I've been hanging onto it for just such an occasion. I want to go to New Mexico this year but will I just be called selfish? I'm not sure where to turn, anymore. I guess maybe getting old is hitting me worse than I expected. All I wanted was to remain active as long as possible. Am I even losing that desire?


4/26/22: Okay, a few more minutes today. No, I did not get selected. More in a minute. On Sunday the zoom hybrid event was hacked by porn. Yes, real live video porn. The organizer admitted that he let a few of the public join the event, with "questionable profiles." Amazing how these juveniles (no matter what their age) have nothing better to do with their time. As a result, on our end, and we drove to Evanston for this, we had to cut outselves off while he found the hackers and booted them off. In our Evanston audience I was the youngest female so you can imagine how well porn went over. We met Carrie and Chris and BurgerFi in Glenview for dinner. It was Chris's birthday and I hate mailing money. Carrie told us she has started the application process to move away, and it sounds like far away. I don't blame her. The jury duty call was for a civil suing of people against a company, and I was one of 25 initially being questioned. Well, if they ask if I had ever been on jury duty I had to raise my hand, right? If I ever filed a complaint? Yes, against a dentist. If I had a relative who was a lawyer? Yes, but we don't talk. The thing is a couple of times I demonstrated I didn't hear correctly, and that could have played against me along with my other answers. There were some who did not raise their hand to anything, and they had enough of those. Although one elderly guy never raised his hand, and he was eliminated, maybe they thought he couldn't hear. Anyway, I don't think it would be fair to not answer yes to stuff just because you want to be selected. Right? They do pay here and that alone makes me sad I wasn't selected. Sigh. I just feel like a failure all around sometimes. More lately than usual, too. I sent my first Art Center Press Release to be looked at. Haven't heard back yet. Joe is reading Pensaukee and he's impressed so far.


4/25/22: Checking early to see if they canceled this morning yet. They did not. I seem to remember they pay mileage so will have to reset that before I leave. Yesterday was pleasant. Food didn't agree with me but that's normal. Too tired to be witty or quippy, but will add this was the first zoom hybrid presentation I attended and it proves you have to be careful who you let in. First zoom I ever saw hacked like that. Anyway, off to jury duty.


4/24/22: Wow, did yesterday exist? I didn't make note of it, except that I almost didn't survive it. Who in the right mind goes to a place called Big Hill Park for the first bike ride of the season and hope she won't have to go uphill (much)? It's actually not a bad distance from my house, overall, but I have to cross a busy bridge without a bike trail that does go uphill. I heard there was a presentation on composting but I wasn't going to make it for 10 a.m. so I packed a picnic lunch, went inside the Welty and got a brochure. Asked if the building would be open for my way back to use the restroom and she said I could take the bike trail to the first playground, there was one there. What she didn't tell me was the bike trail is all downhill. Yeah, fun! But then I have to get back up to get out of the park! Well, I wasn't going to take the bike route because that's more than twice as long as the car drive to get out, so there's another walk without a bike trail. Honestly, I told her it was my first bike ride of the season and didn't want to have to go farther uphill too much. She did not say the bike trail was all downhill! But who goes to something called Big Hill Park on her first bikeride of the season? I brought my camera because I want to start working with it in manual mode, and forgot to put the card back in it! And my phone was down about 3/4ths of its charge. Yeah, that's me. Oh well, I did survive. It was a muggy day, quite windy, I hit the wind going back too, which didn't help. Making good progress of Archaeology of the Dead, I'm hoping big things for this one, even though the first publisher to show interest has now officially rejected it, though we are having nice conversations. Today's work on the way to Evanston for an archaeology presentation will be Final Curtain. I'll attempt a read-aloud again, to see how close to ready it is. Then I simply must start finding homes for these plays. No word yet on the competition for Wade and Aaron's Brave New Plan.


4/23/22: Well, another volunteer job gone bust. I guess I really don't enjoy it enough, so I'm being nit-picky, but there's a gal who's been bartending there for I think forever, who felt she had a right to set up my work space, leaving me nothing to do when I got there, and then proceed to take over when her bar was closed up for the night. Okay, honey, she's all yours. I don't need that again. Anyway, I've got stuff coming up that's going to make it hard to volunteer for a while anyway. I got disoriented, too at the BAC meeting but did agree to pick up the PR releases and other marketing jobs. And Joe there asked for a copy of From Lincoln to Trump which I am happy to provide him for only $5. Got some nice new business cards printed but will only print as needed. I think this domain name will stay the same but daughter Carrie says she'll help me start setting up a Word Press site that I can migrate to in June. My sons I don't hear from since my initial disappointment at learning no one was coming to our house this year. Yes, it's great for us all to be together in Green Bay. But now I'll also feel obligated to include Mar and Marty. And we should! They should. It's a really really limited time with granddaughters, too. But hey, whoever said I should be in control of anything? On my links tab I added a document that includes the direct links to each of my blogs. I'll continue to add as I have time. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.


4/22/22: Not a single person in the Art Center yesterday and it was a nice day, for once, so that was odd. Well, no one except a guy down on his luck who wanted to do some work for us for $20. Which I told him, I couldn't, we mostly used volunteers here. While there my painter called and said he was bringing his wife as an assistant on Monday and if she wasn't helping she and I could "visit." Ah, fine, but I'll be working, too! I start on-call for jury duty Monday and won't know where I am from day to day. I said she could visit my husband, he likes to talk. I'll be glad when that painting is done, I'll tell ya! I attended an Earth Day zoom to learn about composting, something I've never been able to talk hubby into, surprisingly enough. We have a place we can put it, off the patio door and I heard about how you have to stir it and stuff like that, if it's too dry add water, if it's too wet, add leaves, oh, and if it's not decomposing fast enough add red worms but then you have to worry about them escaping and wrecking havoc. Not sure I want to be the only one in charge of it. At the zoom they were giving away a compost unit and of course I didn't win, someone who already had one won it. Ain't that the way it goes? I asked about starting recycling at the art center but no one helped me with that. At night I had a copper artifact zoom with the WAS, a guy I know giving the presentation as he's going for his PhD. He did fine, comparing some of Bussey's at Lake Nokomis to Lake Koshkonong, although I wasn't up on his conclusions. He doesn't seem to believe in migration. It was nice that they mentioned me and my book, though. And now I got an invite to submit a short article, which I might do. Rob did give me a few ideas for Northern Wisconsin, which is nice, and I'll credit him. Next draft of Final Curtain is printed, and waiting a readaloud. Only up to 59 pages, though.


4/21/22: Am surprised I'm not getting a hit on my links tab - lots of good stuff there, go check it out. I was at the Art Center yesterday and what happened is what I feared, a bum walked in. He wanted food, money, and then to make a phone call, which I could not deny. He then grabbed two handfuls out of the free candy dish. I had seen a photo guy go upstairs a bit earlier. He later came down to talk. I told him about the bum and he said yeah, he's the guy I usually give something to, and I says, that's nice, but not where you live. I made a valid point and he hinted at me being 'cold.' Lovely. He's not a pleasant man because the last time I talked with him all he did was complain about the noise around his work space upstairs. Like i could do something. My point is valid. You want to give to a bum, fine. But if you do it where you work or live they will not stop pestering you. I am calling on society to stop ignoring these people. Get them cleaned up, get their health issues addressed, and find them a job and a boarding house to live in. That's the only one to cure the homeless problem. 


4/20/22: Shopping was fantastic yesteday, even the screwup with Anthropologie was for the best. I had a dental cleaning, and stayed for a movie because it was my first time in Madison since I started that tax job. Felt so good to be getting things done -- two returns, using a $5 gift card at Bed Bath and Beyond where I bought small tissue packs and a birthday card, and Macy's, I love Macy's. They're so patient with me. I really should get that new card ordered so they don't have to keep looking me up. I didn't get home until 9:30 but it was so good to be back in Madison again. Did you know there are NO houses for sale there? And the cleaning itself took care of my swollen gum. Yay! No need for tooth pulling yet. Newsletter is out - did you get your copy?


4/19/22: Just a short note before hitting the road. When you get to be at this age in life, as I am now, I guess, you start looking at what you could create as a masterpiece. I used to think it was Arabus. I am really annoyed at a new series based on Interview with a Vampire coming out. Now I have hopes for Gaia and Final Curtain. I am looking ahead to more volunteering, and more travel. Time is short. Never forget that.


4/18/22: Spent the morning at the surgery center with hubby for his cataract removal. Almost finished the goddess book I'm reading, so that I can read what i've written so far on Gaia: Myth of a Woman, which I started writing back in 2016 when she was Shiva. I suppose his surgery went okay, said there wasn't much pain and he couldn't see what they were doing to him, but now they want him not to bend from the waist for two days and I had to yell at him twice already for doing that. I told him, you want to go blind, go ahead, but I won't take care of you. Honestly. I sent an audition out yesterday and now they want me to slate it. Which I am glad to do as I will give them a makeup look and hopefully a less nasal sound. The rest of the day is for Final Curtain. I'm going to do a read aloud to see where I can add stuff, where the dialog can be sharper, where another dramatic moment can be added. Tomorrow I got a dental appointment in Madison. Hopefully just a cleaning but I am having an "issue." First thing am have to take hubby to get his eye patch off (creepy, looks like a bumblebee) and I'll take off right after, lots to do. I'll probably skip writing here tomorrow and opt to share more in the newsletter on the 27th. I have returns to make tomorrow and wine to buy. I'm even hoping to fit in a movie, if all goes well at the dental.


4/17/22: I told hubby I'd be out in 5 minutes, but 5 minutes always takes longer in my office. Woke up this morning with my cat cuddled against me, and me telling her I love her except when she brings dead things to my closet. As I'm saying this I'm sitting up to look over the side of my bed, see feathers, and up a little higher, the dead robin. Feathers all other but bird intact, as though she got tired of pulling them off. Sigh. I had to make the decision. I cannot allow her back in the house at night. So the pet door will have to be locked at night, though open during the day. It's interesting that during the day she might bring in an occasional live animal, but does her killing at night. I've never had a cat like her. I mean, I know the female of the species is the hunter, and I have had other females, like Pokey, who on occasion tried to bring something in but we never had a pet door before. You see, they need someplace safe from owls and other predators to eat what they catch, and Keanu's safe place is in my bedroom. This is the third time in a week. So I'm done. We have a little shed where there's also a pet door. I told Joe to fix that up for her at night and she can go in there. I just want to send a clear signal that she is not to bring dead things in the house to eat anymore. I don't know if that'll scale back on her hunting, but darn it, something has to. I know she's the product of a feral mom but you would not think hunting to survive is an inherited trait. Pokey was never this big a hunter, even after the time she went missing for two weeks. And no, their hunting instinct is NOT a reason to hate cats. They perform a necessary duty, keeping varmints under control. But once there are no more mice around, does she tell herself to stop hunting? Uh-uh. With this new plan, something bad might happen to her, and I have to accept responsibility for that, too. But she's already mad at me for dumping her bird in the garbage.


4/16/22: Art Day! I haven't been to the Beloit Art Center for all of April. It will be a treat to see the new display, this time of high school students. I wasn't really needed last night to bartend because though it was a big crowd, it wasn't really a drinking crowd, so I got to leave early. Still not up to snuff, as they say, so was happy to forgo my share of the tips. Learned a lot, though. I have to bartend again next Friday. For improv - might be more of a drinking crowd. Might be feeling better. I got an audition that I need to submit by Wednesday. Hoping to get it done today, but might hold off until Monday, since I don't want to sound too nasal. I really want the job, I want to prove I can get a job, though it doesn't pay much. It reads more like a training session video gig that I did once before. I'm surprised my agent picked it up, but probably wants me to get something, since the last two with hubby fell through. I won't submit with him again, for obvious reasons, unless they're looking for a wife with a disabled husband. Hey, that could happen. First legitimate sale of Pensaukee, though it's by a Facebook friend. Thanks Vanessa! Hope you enjoy it. Got a second print of Final Curtain done, it's up to 50 pages. Still missing something, though.


4/15/22: Tax day! Well, not really, it's extended to the 18th for you Christians. It amazes me how many people put it off until the last minute, we were getting so many calls from people needing their taxes done this last week! Of course we said no. Who wants to be that accommodating? I tried to give them other options when I could. One even said I would have done it earlier but I was on vacation. Huh. Speaking of which, I did go in to work yesterday. I got the idea that I'm allergic to this house so I took off for the library and told Sara I come could in at 3 instead of 1. See the day before, one of the other receptionists left at 1:30 because we both weren't needed. So I thought, she can sit til 3, when I get there, right? Well, I got there at 3, she had nothing to do but she sat around until 4! Whatever. You should have seen us fight to answer the phone! I wore my mask waiting on people and managed to hang in there, left at 6:30. So a few hours is better than none, plus I got to pick up my check. I also got an appointment with an allergist yesterday. What if I'm allergic to cats? My sister is. The appointment is June 20! Rats. They put me on a waiting list, though I doubt I'm the only one. Anyway, glad to never go back to that job. I was the three-headed coin, I didn't fit with the rest. Now to figure out what trip will put the money to best use. I never EVER regret going to Crete.


4/14/22: I'm seriously contemplating not going to my last day of work. How can I work with the public when I sneeze seven times in a row? Oh yes, I bought a lot of cough drops on the way home yesterday and planned to suck on them all day, my voice often gets scratching when I have to talk too much. I'll have to see how I feel by 11. But honestly, all I want to do is get in the car and drive and keep driving until I feel better. And that's where I'll stay. How far south in Illinois would that be? Would I make it to Texas? How about NM? How about I take that tour NOW that I've thought about for September? Won't that help me decide if that's where I need to be? I just can't take this. The pain, the burning, the sneezing, the endless need for tissues. I don't remember it being this bad before. Not that getting out of my last day at work would be a bad thing. There's nothing to do anymore, but answer phones and work the counter, but damn, that's my last paycheck in like maybe forever. If I can act well, I'll go in. I just don't want to make a bad impression on any of our clients.



4/12/22: Yesterday was a bit of a distressing day at work. I hope today goes better but I'm not sure how it can anymore, when all we do (I do) is sit and wait for people to show up. Even my phone calling got taken away from me. Today I'll be bringing my play to work mostly because I have to take the bus and I'll start reading it along the way. The print copy of Pensaukee: Voice of a Landscape is now ready for purchase. Use the same link I put up for the Kindle copy that's on the excerpt tab with the index you can peruse. The two covers are different, but the fun thing is that the Kindle cover is actually the back cover of the print copy. The Kindle cover will show you the boat that's hidden on the back cover of the print copy. Tons of fun reading hear, lots of primary voices of the time, voice of the landscape showing how the land changes over time and how nature fights back. Had some queries off on the four edited chapters of Archaeology of the Dead and one publisher wanted to know why I wasn't getting an agent. Mostly because I'm tired of trying.


4/11/22: I got offered the part I auditioned for a bit ago dependent on being available when needed, which turned out to be the week of April 25th. Sad. That's when my jury duty starts. Oh life. I thought they wanted me free on weekends, and I am. Just not during the week until May 5. Life, right? It's nice being offered the gig, but it sounds like they have someone else with scheduling conflicts they'd rather work with. Working on edits of Archaeology of the Dead and I was really hoping it didn't need so much! Plans for this weekend? Who, me? I have to work the Art Center on Saturday, JPAC Friday night. That's about it. Can't eat ham.


4/10/22: Well, yesterday didn't go at all as planned. And that is a lesson in how sometimes planning is a bad idea. Did I know the memorial for Max was a dress up affair? No I did not. In that respect, when it came time to do the luncheon I regretfully declined. Well, some things we just have to do by instinct. I did learn a lot about Max and my eyes teared up during the singing of Over the Rainbow. One theater actor I knew there and he's one that never says more than two words to me if he doesn't have to. The other directed Max and I in On Golden Pond. Susan simply thanked me for coming, and Jeanellyn hadn't hear there was a luncheon. So yeah, there's that.


4/9/22: Anyway, off to Green Bay today to celebrate dear actor friend Max Frost. I've missed him since the last day he wrote me. He had auditioned for a part offered on Actors in Wisconsin but had to dump it, I think he was unable to learn the lines. A guy who invented the word theater, in my book, Alzheimers is a terrible way to go. I ordered my official print copy of Pensaukee today -- I'll let you know if it's ready for mass consumption. The Kindle version has been updated as well.



4/7/22: I am going to seriously consider ending this website in favor of several that are straight dedicated, or see if I can use one domain to set up a page of excerpts and a page of copper updates and that will be that. I think I have some great blog articles here but there's been 0 responses to them. On the other hand, I get great responses to copper here. So that needs to be the focus of anything new that I set up. I also get 0 sales from this site, or so it appears. I think when I put out an ad on Saving Boone, I end up selling a Bonanza novel. That's okay, of course, but gosh, my other books are good, too. I know, here I am whining again. I wrote to Ben, a publisher who's been in touch about Archaeology of the Dead, and told him I started an edit of the novel to add a few things I thought of, and if he's still interested the end of May he can let me know. He's not responded. And today, it's time for the Door Country copper section of Northern Wisconsin before I do more work on the Arch novel. I should be getting my proof copy of Pensaukee today. 


4/6/22: Dreadful past two days at work. Hope I can gain some ground today. Getting through Oconto County copper chapter with a neat new map to add to the discussion of the age of the burial site there. But sometimes I feel I'm peddling backward. Have some changes to make to Pensaukee, both issues, because of a new article given me late yesterday. Won't delay the production much, though. I'm making plans to deliver the free copies in May. Really enjoying the comments I've gotten on the Pensaukee cover. Glad Adam doesn't always listen to me! 


4/5/22: Was feeling very down about my copper research yesterday, just the amount of time and the lack of respect from the community as a whole and then I got an email from the Honduras, looking for information on some new materials they found. The Honduras! I am so happy they found me as I know I can give them some insights, but it means, too, that the CAMD does have impact, regardless of the inner jealousies of the archaeology community in its individual cliques. And then I must not forget Archaeology of the Dead, which could end up being the best novel I've written. I'm stuck in Northern Wisconsin on Oconto County, if you can imagine, and am kicking myself for losing ALL the material I had while I was curator at their museum. 


4/4/22: Today we're getting ready for the cleaner. Oh! I did post the new Pensaukee book cover on the book excerpt page. It's getting some warm reviews at FB. See what you think. I ordered a proof copy, so it could be mid-April before it's ready to order. The Copper book? Even longer. I'm still writing it. Son Adam did a great job on the cover, and then he called to tell us to plan a few days with them in Green Bay in June. Cool! My free wine coupon will be expired though. Maybe I'll take my aunt for a drive up there for my birthday.


4/3/22. Back to Northern Wisconsin Copper Artifact Resource Manual (NWCARM). When we last left this book I was struggling with formatting and thought I'd gotten the editing done to a certain point. Well, I decided to edit up to that point again, and glad I did. I'm sure I'll never be happy with it, but it is what it is. As I was comparing Marinette to Menominee (in the MICARM) I found an error in the printed copy that I marked in the book, to keep in mind if I should ever upload an edited version. Not an error, really, just that I didn't identify something that I should have, because I have a photo. I was too intent on its hash marks. I think I have a few new artifacts to add, too. To date, no one has contacted me for these updates. I know the book has sold a few copies. And I know that the production of the Illinois copy is going to depend on whether any of these copies sell. I don't expect the archaeology world to hail me as a copper queen, but a little respect for all that I do would be nice. Wouldn't it? Doing some more work on Gaia: Myth of a Woman and it seems to be making me dream more.


4/2/22: I posted the index at the Pensaukee page so you can see what all is in the book. The Kindle copy has been available for a while, where you can also get a sample. But the index shows you more completely what's in the book -- and what a task pulling that together. I found a few formatting errors in the book I would have loved to have fixed BUT it would throw off the index page numbering and I'm not going through that again. Gonna hopefully get the print version uploaded this weekend, and then I'll post a list of who all is getting a free copy. Might put that in the newsletter, actually.

March 31st: Last day of the month and I called it. See first day post here. Going out like a lion with snow two inches and still falling. Sigh. Spring where are you? Did you read my newsletter yet? What did you think? I am thinking of getting out of Authors Guild, so if I get no responses via the newsletter, see that no one is reading, then come June I'm moving on. Will keep my domain name and find another cheaper home. I can't find the value in Authors Guild. I'm trying. I just can't. Nearly done with Pensaukee indexing but some of it will need fixing. I'm breaking up the fishing category to give that a bigger voice, and adding sturgeon because that has an interesting history. And a few other tweaks. I was hoping end of this month but ha! That didn't work. I don't want to release both books at the same time so thinking I should just keep up with this one until done, and then move back to copper. Since the Kindle is already out there. Sent Bighorn Deceit out to another competition. That's the only one that's done any good for me, so that's keeping my baby toe into film. Oh! as promised, find the Updated Wittry Typology on the CAMD page.



March 28th: Here at my normal time, but I have to brag. ESP worked! This is the first year I beat hubby out of number of right guesses. Who'd a thought Dune would take that many? I'll have to see it now. Also guessed Jessica Chastain and Jane Champion right. And Encanto. So glad Coda won. Lovely movie. I saw Lost City yesterday. We went to a pricier show, they had two offerings and this one offered CC so I asked what that was. It was a little box on a flexible stand we could take in with us. We were the only ones with it. We paid $3 more for those seats, too. Don't know what the others were thinking, but it was a packed house. Those little boxes are pretty cool, but this movie they were talking pretty clear, too. LOVED Brad Pitt in it, but it was a small role. The movie itself? Eh. Might have been better not to know what they were saying. Are mumbling actors compensating for a dull script? I've seen Pitt's trailer for Bullet Train and that looks fascinating. Anyway, I thought there was a lot of positive effort put into the Oscars and except for one unfortunate moment, quite entertaining. None of the big directors won with several favorites shut out completely. Got my read-through done of Virginia City while watching, too, so it wasn't a waste of time. Now I can start adding more material as I've assured myself it's all in order.


March 26th: Shoes are the awfulest part of a wardrobe, aren't they? I mean, you buy them, you walk around in them to make sure they don't hurt -- but the minute you wear them somewhere, they start to ache. I try to get size wide wherever possible. I've got this one pair that looks like boats on my feet they're so wide, but they don't hurt at all so no way I'm giving them up. Someday I might want to walk across water! I signed up for a play copyright session in April (man, looking forward to April) as it's something I didn't think about. Still planning my way around Last Curtain. When I get home today will have to look for a copy of Sunset Boulevard. My trick is to make Lydia both bad and good. Sympathetic, I believe they call it.



March 24th: What's fascinating to me about who shot George Wallace is how the Republicans responded to it, calling the assassin a fan of Bobby Kennedy and all, thinking it was retribution. I have to admit I thought that at first. I'm still digging, but Wallace ran as a Democrat, against Nixon, and Nixon was the kid's first target. It goes to show that once presidents got this beefed-up security, following, I think, Garfield (see From Lincoln to Trump), it took more than a lone assassin to take them down.  Added some new material to the print copy of Pensaukee (kindle copy not selling, didn't really expect it to) and it scares me to think what else I might have missed. This one will be fun for locals, but environmental buffs can certainly skim over names not of interest.



March 22nd: I hate facing a tired day without a car. A tired rainy day. I opted not to call for a car. I don't like the lack of control I have. I know it wouldn't be as bad as last time, but with gas prices as they are, why not just take public trans, right? Well, I'll need my backpack, an umbrella, my longest wet-proof coat with a hood, two meals ... most of the morning will be spent preparing. But that's okay. I'll just work on Virginia City until it's time to get ready. Nice easy edit job without worry about research, for now, just making sure it's all in order. And it's a good thing, too, because it isn't. That's the case with research books, you add it as you go and then have to structure it when you see all that you've got. I'm not the type who can absorb everything and then regurgitate it all out in order. 


March 21st: Pensaukee indexing is going well, but now I have to add some more material before I get too far into it that I can't anymore. Some more of the more recent photos and local materials that might make it more valuable to locals, since I plan to send print copies out to several locals when it's done. With a single inscription: Sorry it took so long. Newsletter is going out in a couple days - be sure to subscribe today! I hope to make it a worthwhile read. Not just my ramblings, like here. Oh, my character Shiva is now named Gaia -- I did a goddess card shuffle search for a new name and that's what came up. The project is Gaia: Myth of a Woman. A spiritual adventure into the human conscience. I'm just handwriting it, like a diary, with spurts of inspiration at night.



March 19th: It happened. I was hoping it wouldn't. Turned down one casting call because of work. Now got one for both hubby and me to appear in a photo shoot. Sounds like pay would be $2,000 for both of us. But the actual shoot? Yeah, last week of taxes. Do I dare ask for a day off? How can I not with money like that and an opportunity for Joe? I mean, sure we can audition, maybe we won't get cast. We don't look like a 'typical' older couple anyway. Darn his dark hair. Might be fun trying. But I have to assure CTN that we will do it if cast. And I have to stop working on scenes for my play, except in a form of outlining it and coming up with ideas because I joined an end of play competition through Dramatists Guild that starts April 1. Well, my time sure as heck is limited so I'm not going to apologize for what little I got done already. Nice to have a deadline though. And my aunt maybe wants me to help with her rummage sale to join in a community wide one on May 5th in Green Bay and I said I could work her in between the end of tax season and my coming jury duty. Ah April. You are looking interesting. Hit a snag with Copper. Can't get the dang thing to format with mirror margins. I have a couple ideas but have to leave early this morning for the art center. Will bring laptop. Can't edit it until it's rightly formatted.


March 18th: I couldn't sleep last night. I started reading a new book, unhappy with the one I'd just finished reading. Keep a book by your bedside? I do. I couldn't find the one I want to read, it seems to have disappeared, so I grabbed When Women Were Gods, and part-way into the introduction got inspired to work on the Shiva nonfiction as a fiction novel. You see, I've given up on the idea of writing Creating Consciousness. I just don't need another project that's out of my league. With that inspiration in my head I just tossed and turned until midnight, when I gave up, got the book I'm hand writing, and started writing stuff down that I liked and don't want to forget. Geez, I think this is what happens when I'm not currently working on a fiction novel, you know? My imagination has no end, it seems. Today it's Copper again, and then the weekend back to Pensaukee, with Virginia City on Monday and Tuesday. 




March 15th: Beware the Ides of March! Yeah, right. I already know everything I need to be aware of, and that includes remembering to wear my hearing aides to work! I mean, here I am -- no, no help for the thyroid growth either was the doctor's remarks after yesterday's ultrasound (live with it). With all these chronic things no doctor will touch, all these books I'm working on that no publisher wants, all that I create that I think is great, just not apparently meant for mass consumption. Publishers are looking for sure things today. And then that stupid James Patteson is taking on any and all celebrities to write books with him, because you know, that's what famous authors do when they're out of ideas. Sigh. I would just look around me and laugh if it was the least bit funny.


March 14th: Look at us, nearly halfway through the month. When I have a job time goes fast. You know, I think a lot about how I'm not in the right skin. It could be why I like acting because then I can be someone else, try out another skin, so to speak. You know how some people don't marry their first love, for whatever reason and wind up with someone else? What if many of us who were born to these 2nd chance loves felt we were not meant to be there. I often think if I had married my first love I would not have had kids (thought he was sterile) but my kids would have been born, still, but to another mother. In my case, I threw tantrums (I'm told) when I was two, and we know that little kids are more in tune with their past lives, so maybe that's why I was throwing tantrums. At any rate, I got to thinking while getting another ultrasound on my thyroid about how I managed to get ALL the disabilities from both sides of my family. Well, that's not the right word, but chronic conditions. Somebody should do a study on my DNA, I'll bet I'm some kind of weirdo. Some kind of anomaly, anyway. One who feels she can never be herself because she doesn't know who that is. My first love even said that to me once. You know, you're always acting, aren't you. I wonder if he would have dumped me eventually.


March 13th: I think I belong in the theater. I mean, I had such a good time last night, and it's because I put myself out there. I didn't just hide in the gift shop/coat room which was my volunteer station for the night. I talked to people. All kinds of people. What made it fun was there was this one girl, a lit major, who came all the way from Chicago to see Pillowman, one of her favorites she read in college, and never saw performed. She said she would even get on a plane to see a play and come home again. She bought my only sale that night, but I suspect most nights they don't sell anything. And she came to a great performance where there was a small audience in a big auditorium so they actually put chairs on the stage for the audience to have a more intimate experience. This play had no set, no big movement demands, so it worked. I watched the first half but I sat in a seat in the auditorium so I could go out at intermission and I didn't go back in because heck, why bother, right? It's playing next weekend so might go then. Joe would like this one. It's about a fairy tale writer who's stories are coming true so he's arrested. I talked up the different ways I could volunteer, mentioned my longevity with the stage and really really think I need to keep doing this. I also asked about the different theater groups that rent the stage and what it would cost me, and holy smuck, I could never even break even. But if I could find a couple people interested in helping me pull it together, I'd give it a shot. I once came up with a name for my own group, but darn if I can think of it now. Maybe this is all I am. I mean, I loved raising my kids, being a mom, but now I don't know how to anymore. This working with the theater just comes naturally.



March 11th: Yes, I am planning another blog. Hopefully the first one for my newsletter. There are glitches in that process and I'm working through them, with the little time I have. I took the last fortune cookie when I left work last night. It appeared waiting for me. It said" "People are not persuaded by what we say but rather by what they understand." And it reminds me of all the trouble I had as my mother's daughter, how she would often say, why are you so sensitive? To which I'd respond, I don't know, you made me. But her deliberate plan to move to Phoenix with my four siblings when I was old enough to stay behind meant she no longer had to "deal" with me. She gave me to my aunt, so to speak, until I was ready to move in with friends. Heaven knows the things mom told my sisters as we all got older. Point of the cookie is that I cannot convince anyone out of a mindset they have. They have to want to see me differently. Heaven knows I probably don't make that easy! If I'm convinced they don't like me I'm pretty much, who cares? Their loss, right? 



March 10th: Think about challenging your parents' will/estate? Do it while they're alive. Twice now, both husband and I, get the shaft. Oh well, just money, right? I got a fortune cookie yesterday at work with our Asian lunch that said "Goodness is its own reward." Well, it's funny but I always try to be good. I do. I don't push my weight around at anyone. Maybe I should. But I asked four very general questions of Becky and what do I get in response? She calls me greedy. Greedy. It's true I like to have money in the bank. Who doesn't? So I responded with equal anger after hearing all the terms of the so-called will with "enjoy your power grab." I don't expect we'll ever speak again but since she moved to Phoenix with the rest of them when she was only 7, we don't know each other anyway. It's true that I'm tired of working and wish I could travel more but get grief from my kids if I spend money. Speaking of which, I had a mini-meltdown to my daughter's response after I told her I plan to stop working and worry about money; it's that basic meltdown that's been coming since my son wants to pay for lawn care for Joe this summer, the last real exercise he gets. But I give up. I am just going to become what they all want. A cripple like my husband so I never go anywhere. Who needs to go anywhere anyway? I have enough projects to last me a lifetime. I'll just keep producing stuff that doesn't sell and not worry about life beyond this. That's called death.


March 9th: Okay, I should have. I know I should have. I should have gone in and reported the pump error to the gas station clerk. But what good would that have done if she was the source of the error? She would have thanked me, I would have paid full price, and gone on my merry way, leaving her to do it again. This way, at least, she'll think twice about it. Maybe. Like at work, when the boss asked why I was being so quiet when the only times she was talking was to the other gal. I don't talk if I'm not being talked to. All I said was "me?" I should have explained. We all have should haves in our lives. Where we can't think on the split of a dime and come up with two nickels. My kids didn't know how to respond when I asked them for advice so I'm just going ahead and sending my response to my sister. I don't think it's unreasonable but am I holding two nickels? Or two pennies? Even after giving it all this thought? Great work on copper yesterday, found two sources of copper I hadn't entered. Hope that's all. One was from a museum last summer -- well I hope I can be forgiven for last summer. The second source agrees he should probably see a PDF of the book before it's published to be sure I got everything right. It does get complicated.


March 8th: Got my kids involved in looking at my mom's estate, since their generation is implied and they deserve a say. What happens to me I don't much care anymore. I was reading with breakfast the rest of this article on how to find happiness and peppered in it are religious references. And of course he has to end it with his daily happiness at mass every day. Well, I'm not about to give up my paganism (within which we don't care what happens to us, it's a freeing feeling, actually), but after reading it I almost jumped up and came right in here, where I would have had nothing to talk about. Instead, I said, I should first experience the joy of putting the clean dishes away. And as I thought these words, I realized I needed to take my morning vitamins. And then I saw the pot of fresh coffee, of which i drink only a little and only when it's cooled some to avoid distress. Anyway, that one little decision of joy led to two others, so it works! Embrace every duty as though it's a good thing, an alive thing. Now, back to the Copper book, which is almost done and in which I need to do another certain task to get there, while my hair dries and my husband waits for his happiness -- going to the grocery store. I thought last night that I interrupted a 'scam' at that gas station -- someone set it up so a friend could get free and cheap gas. Glad I got it, now. Of course, they might just try again. But that's why she didn't let me have the $20.


March 7th: after the antique store we needed to find a place to eat before a 5:00 film for BIFF. First we went to Menards where I picked out my birthday toilet. Yup, gonna replace that darned thing that keeps wasting water. Then we went to Noodles to find they're not open on Sunday. To Culver's to find they were closing the dining room in 10 minutes. To the downtown where there were no parking spots. Then, to heck with it, to Burger King because we had a coupon. Ate in the parking lot of Domineco's where the film was being shown, but they weren't going to open their restaurant until summer. 


March 6th: Lots of people at the Art Center yesterday, though I did remember to bring my dustpan and swept because they had their big open house yesterday for a new exhibit. As usual picked out one I would buy, but won't. Also found my book there, stashed in the coat room. I asked about it a while ago and was just told she didn't know where it was. I donated it for their store, because she'd mentioned maybe I could give a presentation, and this one has some local history. Well, I don't care if they don't want to stock books but they could have said something. I think communication there needs work. I asked for the pin on the computer so I could run their powerpoint and didn't get that, either. It is BIFF weekend and was a lovely balmy day so of course we had more people, but I still got my Archaeology reading done because it's not like I have to follow them around. The play at night was by the college students, called Book Club, and quite entertaining but they really need help with diction. And a play with actors wearing see-through masks? 



March 4th: Gotta give blood today. Does that explain that dream last night? First real Pernell dream I've had in a very long time. He wasn't Adam, he was more like Trapper John and I was to help him with an appearance he was making. Once we got that scheduled, he decided we had a lot of time just to hang out and what should we do? Well, my aunt has a pool. Like to get naked and swim? We did go to my aunt's house and my uncle was there (though he died in '99) and I introduced him to my kids there, too, as my own Bonanza clan, which charmed him, they showed up off and on throughout the rest of that day, and as we did things, oh you know dreams, the doing things included escaping a trap and needing to eat and then not, we became closer and closer and I wondered if he'd kiss me and the last image was of a bed made up seductively but that's how it ended. Seems in my Pernell dreams that's where it always ends, wanting to but not actually doing anything. Got a sweet letter from Eleanor yesterday, but somehow need to make it clear that the presents aren't just from me. Well, it's partly Joe's fault. When we took her shopping by phone he stopped to pick out her card while I walked the whole store with her. I told him to meet us in toys but he wasn't there. After we left toys he caught up and then he started throwing weird suggestions at her. I don't think she gets his humor. Want some glue? Yet, anyway. He wasn't in my dream, but that doesn't surprise me. Only one man at a time for me! Lots of Pensaukee indexiing done last night but only tip of the iceberg. Rest of this week is a focus on the copper.


March 3rd: Woke with a myriad of thoughts in my head and no one to share with. Ever have that happen? Just have no one in close confidence who would actually listen? No one is better at psychoanalyzing myself than me, as you've perhaps guessed, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't like to have the give and take of a close conversation from time to time. I have literally no one. My sister sent me the copy of my mother's estate and will and though I thought we were told when she died that the money is held as long as Ramon is alive, somehow that changed to everything staying where it is until the grandkids get it? Is it any wonder I have to work until I die? Anyway my boss recommended I look at it, because the wording could be suspect. That's what happened to Joe's share after his father died. My brother Bill is supposedly the reason for this closed account, because they don't want to give him a wad of cash that he'd just blow through. "But if we need it for anything..." My other three siblings are well off. Me, I just keep working. No, no one ever said life was fair. I hear about people getting inheritance and taking trips, buying boats or cars, you name it. I'm just putting my earnings in a savings account of my own in case ... well, let's just say my spouse isn't very attentive to anything but his health. 


March 2nd: I learned to accept, as we all must, our humanity. I made the wrong judgment and it meant that instead of calling my driver to make sure she had the right phone number, I panicked when I didn't hear from her and went to catch the last bus possible to get to my job on time. Funny story to show why this was wrong, my connection didn't wait for me, even though my bus driver said she'd call and tell him to. I think he drove off just as we got there. So I was not able to catch the last bus to work on time. So there I am at the Pig waiting and wondering what to do when finally I call Papa Pal, who had the driver's phone number, and through their persistance (they had my new number but didn't give it to her) we made the connection and I got to work in time to eat my lunch. 



March 1st: Not coming in like a lion, unfortunately. We'll see how it ends. Nearly 50 today, when it shouldn't be above freezing yet. I have my driver coming for me for work, like once before, because I get so tired at work by 6 now that I don't know what I'd be like if I also had to walk 11 blocks to get there between buses. Just no stamina anymore. Once this job is over I'll have to really work on that. I did get 10,000 steps in yesterday but could barely move when I got home. Worked on Virginia City. Today is Northern Wisconsin Copper and I don't have any reading material left so I guess I insert some photos and start reading to see where I have to find material yet. I know in the Michigan Copper I had areas where no research could be found so I just analyzed the material in relation to other researched areas. I'll be doing that here, too. Have I ever mentioned here that I was born in the wrong body? Remind me to do that sometime.

December 31st: I dreamed about brother Billy last night. Hope he's okay. We don't hear from him anymore. He's uber-Christian and won't talk to us because we aren't. But humans are only animals, crying out for help to our invention called 'God'. Or as a Lennon said, God is a concept by which we measure our pain. 


But yeah, got done with work early, ran errands, went to Rock County Honda, saw NO used cars. There goes that idea. We could just sell them the car, and buy one off a used lot somewhere. I'd have to talk him into it, and will, if he complains about this one once more. We will not going on any long trips, even to GB, for awhile. We also did our eating out yesterday, rather than chancing it tonight, and holy cow, did everyone have the same idea? We should have stayed at Appleby's but I think all places suffer from lack of employees.


Keanu, man she is so smart. The last two mornings I had the alarm set for 7 so I could get up for work. Yesterday she acted all huffy at me. When I had her in my apartment as a kitten she was alone when I worked, so I'm thinking she hated the idea I was going to do THAT again. This morning no work, so at 7:02 she came in and snuggled. Like she knew we were back to normal again. Fortunately my regular schedule is 1 to 7, but she'll probably give me the evil eye when I do that for a second day. Such a character.


December 30th: Make your new years plans yet? I have. We'll see the Matrix tomorrow, eat out somewhere and I'll stay up alone and alcohol-less watching American Werewolf in London with one of my favorite fellas. Seriously! My sister got me a photo glossy of him where he wrote "Mo, Wish you were here" after she told him, on a flight, that he was one of my favorites. So what streamers are you going to get next year? Apparently cable is on its way out. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. There's so much on it we don't watch. I haven't decided on my next streamer yet. Might have to be AMC if that's the only way we can watch Better Call Saul's final season.


December 29th: Okay, I lied. Casting Network has given me free access to the end of January and no one kicks a gift horse in the mouth, right? It was a simple audition to say a few words about vitamins, which suits me, so I did it. Not expecting anything. Pay is better than the one that insisted I get a teleprompter, too, so what the heck. Nothing from my agency in a long time, and I have decided I will only audition for what suits me. Now that my job is starting up again, I'll just be unavailable to them anyway.


Had to shovel snow yesterday. And yes, I said I'd be willing. Joe did say he'd try the snow plow next time. Good! Because he promised when he bought it last year that he would use it more than one year. I hate broken promises.


December 27th: Enough with the problems today! I'm gonna go shopping. But I want to make a pitch for Medieval Jousting, if you ever get a chance to go. Yes, we had mead, which for the four of us was over $50 but we got to keep the very nice glassware they served it in. They gave us half a chicken each! Tons of food! I wish I'd known we'd get to take doggie bags, I wouldn't have eaten so much. We first drove to Carrie's house and had brunch, since the food serving started at 3 but none of us had much room for dessert when we got back to her place again. And then last night, right at bedtime? A thunderstorm! Check the date -- I'm saying thunder and lightning! Weird weird weird.


December 26th: Yup, a little wine with Pizza and Packers didn't hurt, but too much sitting around all day did. Game day fun! Packers won, Aaron made history, how about that defense! For game winners, I took Gin, Darts and Cribbage, while Joe had Uno, Chess (I don't like how he plays) and Yatzee. You know what this means? We have to play Scrabble for winner. I think he could have taken me in Darts with a couple more games though, as he was just catching his stride. 


December 25th: When you wake up at 4 a.m. like a kid at Christmas, but instead it's because you had too much schnapps the night before (less is more now, it seems), and you can't get back to sleep because you feel like puking, then you know it's time to give up alcohol. I have a digestive disorder and already had to give up hot and cold beverages. It means I can't drink coffee because I can't drink coffee lukewarm, so I've had to switch to tea, which I can allow to cool. The doc says it's chronic. Hell no! Not accepting that. 


December 24th: Do you have any goals for today? Last minute shopping, hanging with friends or family, office Christmas party, eggnog, watching It's a Wonderful Life, perhaps? Mine is finishing the edit on this book because the next two days are work free days. Yeah, I know, I have a hard time imagining that, too. Dinner at Marshall Field's is wrapping up and I hope I end it in a spectacular manner, one that says, yeah, that's why I read this book. I hate novels that don't end well. Don't you?


December 23rd: I'm here to talk about Max. I've been a stage actress all my life and there are a few I like to remember. Bob, my main guy in Oconto, Frank, who was crazy fun, Mark, because he showed up drunk for his first audition -- well, some need the courage (and his fly was down), but oh how great he was for our group -- and Max Frost. I first heard about this man who actually founded Evergreen Productions. I was only in two DePere productions with them, and often heard other cast members talk about him. I was cast as the lead in Forty Carats under the great Herb Williams and I even saw Max once, but I was not a blip on his radar. Then came the audtion in Community Theater in Green Bay for On Golden Pond. Well, I wasn't even in my 60s yet but I did have gray hair so I thought, why not? I had just finished my master's degree and needed something more in my life. I was the only one who auditioned with gray, too, so felt maybe I had a shot, and she did try me with all the guys there. A couple of them I knew, but didn't particularly like working with. Then she got me and Max on the stage. Immediately he put me at ease, so much that at one point during the audition I put my hand on his arm. That clinched it, I was told later, for both of us. And we were great together. Max was so happy to have the role we stayed friends after. We ushered together at CT's next performance and he really enjoyed the comments we got from people we were seating. The last I remember of him, I had told him about a role I thought was perfectly suited for him that I found on Actors in Wisconsin, and he auditioned for it. But the next thing I knew he was telling me he had to back out. I didn't know it then but that must have been the beginning of his Alzheimers. A horrible horrible thing to happen to such a sweet and loving man. I know I'll never forget him.


December 22nd: Humans are just animals who are crying for help.


December 21st: I am happy to report that I have found a director to read Deadline -- no, not anyone on the list I sent off yesterday. My understanding is they're all actors, and I wanted an individual response, rather than sending my script by group email. They might have changed their minds, after all, after reading ten pages here. Actually I should have told Bernie to do that, too. Oh well. I am familiar with the conservative area where he directs, but that's the kind of audience I'd love to impact. Plus that's where the Bebows were born and raised.


I have three scripts in competitions right now. All three - Big Break, Filmatics and Cinequest - should start making their cuts soon, if they haven't already. I'll have to go check them out. Only good news here, folks! But that will be it for investing in movie scripts. I hope Netflix does another open submission series, though. I'll take advantage of anything free!

I'm also happy to report that a reader of "Civil War & Bloody Peace" is reading it the way it's meant to be read. Thank you David H! I sure appreciate your comments! He bought second edition all on his own, and is an artist in his own right - beautiful paintings.


December 20th: I will go on record now and say I am not in support of another lockdown -- IF it continues to appear as if those of us who are vaccinated are protected and the most we'd get is a bad cold. Those who are vulnerable, and with small children, yes, they would have to make choices. Mom, breastfeed that kid until she's five. I am in favor of us having to show our vaccination cards to go places like the theater. I am in favor of continuing to wear masks in places like stores. I will keep a mask in every one of my coats to wear whenever I am in a social situation. We do have to continue to be smart, probably until next summer. 


December 19th: Could I finally be getting older and wiser? Putting childhood toys away? I will be rejoining the WHS and the Dem Party in the coming year, and looking outward, rather than inward. It's actually a rather freeing feeling, this not pursuing an unrealistic dream. To let myself age in wisdom, rather than in wrinkled hope. It might mean I have fewer "fun" things to share, but that's okay, too. Once I get Dinner at Marshall Field's to bed, hopefully the last edit for serious submission, I'll get Pensaukee ready for publication. I'm not pursuing agents anymore but will hope one finds me, as one did once before.


December 18th: As much fun as yesterday was, it's time to come down to earth. The project manager, Jan, was not in love with my amateur response to a teleprompter. She used it as an excuse to insult my acting. She expected, I guess, that I'd be professional enough to buy myself a teleprompter. So I guess it's all my fault, right? But when she insults my acting, I've had enough. I mean, I've had enough everywhere. I'm not meant for film. I'm a stage actress, and that's all I'll ever be. It happened when I was doing commercials - they both thought I was over the top and had to tone me down. (Nissan doesn't count - the commercial didn't even air because of shortage of vehicles to sell.) I've already canceled Casting Network, and I just canceled Backstage (and they refunded me). I dreamed about helping paint a house last night (at least not about killing myself, right?) and think it's time I stop the daydream. Just stop. I won't cancel my agent, but I will pick and choose ONLY those I feel fit me so I don't waste anyone's time.


December 17th:  Yesterday was weird/good/crazy. I had to make another product video and am expecting to get a check for that today, which is good because I suddenly realized my budget is all screwed up, when I got a bill that, in a brain fart, I thought I'd already paid. So then I had to look at my budget and go - where'd all the money go? That taping took three tries but it was all impromptu so not hard. While I was set up I thought I'd give my next video job a try. This one pays way less and requires me to have a teleprompter because they don't have time to wait for memorization. Okay. So I looked for one for my "cracked" phone, which I'm handling with care. Couldn't get any to work without paying a fee. Not interested in a fee for the little I'm making. So I had to figure out how to get hubby to slowly raise the paper up so that my eyes don't do a lot of drift - believe me, I tried taping it to the tripod - not good. But when he did that we could hear the paper rattle. Okay, think think. My basement finished family area is my studio, where I have open wall areas for that non-cluttered look. And when we first moved in we removed the lowered ceiling tiles hiding the rafters because I have a very tall son. So I'm looking around, thinking. I spy the cat toy on a string and stick hanging from the rafters. Hmmm, what if ... I taped the script to the cat toy, and hubby used the stick on the other end to slowly raise the script up as I was reading - no paper rattle! Of course I had to stand instead of sit, but I already had it printed with big letters anyway. So I got one video made. I think the lighting was a bit off, but I sent it to her for her feedback. If I have to buy a teleprompter she can either fire me or pay me more. Then I attended an acting class where we met each other, and played a few exercises. When they were about to start the third, which I didn't understand, I said, I got a pan frying (I was still transferring the darned videos to send) but I'd love to share my script for an open read sometime, and got everyone's emails and sent them my link here to read the first 10 pages, so am I hoping I can make that a reality, but boy, I'd sure rather do that in person.


December 16th: I joined Backstage to try and find acting roles -- I have professed to do this film acting because my voice is no longer strong enough for the stage. My agent might not like it but he said they focus on commercials because that's where the money is. Well, maybe I'm not commercial material, judging by all the rejections I get. 


if you don't have a case for your smart phone - get one! (I feel for you with the flip ones.) It is not worth the risk of dropping it, not when you can get a case for only $10 at Amazon. I thought my phone was safe in my wallet pouch, and it was, until the day I was fumbling in a cement garage and forgot to snap the wallet shut.


December 14th: I made another plunge. This time only $75 for a whole year, easy to swallow. I joined Backstage, another casting network, to try my luck there.


December 12th: But let's get serious. How does the Kennedy family (sans two) believe that Sirhan Sirhan was the killer? He played a role, yes, he was there to distract the crowd from the real killer. How do they discard the fact that RFK was killed from behind and Sirhan was never that close to him? Is it just really that convenient for them to carry hate for one man than to try to seek the truth? This family should be smarter than this, but I fear they're only reflecting Ethel's belief, and that's too bad. Even Jackie Kennedy knew it wasn't just one man who killed JFK, and she actually fled the country after RFK died, fearing her family could be next. I just wish people would read "From Lincoln to Trump." Honestly what happened in the '60s changed this country, and not for the better. Obviously these Kennedys can't see that either. And I'm not talking QAnon here. I'm talking facts. QAnon grabbed onto real conspiracy in order to promote bogus ones. QAnon would not exist if this country could accept the truth.


December 11th: Have to appreciate being a member of Western Writers of America (again) because of, well, it's just a bunch of friendly folks (for the most part) and I seem to fit there. They published my article on "How Bonanza saved a city," a nice full page at the back, with a bio including my newest release in the front. I think the article turned out really well, too - but, update, the agent ultimately turned me down. I have never had luck getting an agent off a convention. It's time to stop trying. They need to find me, as my first agent did, I guess.


December 9th: There appears to be a link between social media and depression, so says researchers in an article I found in "The Week" December 10th issue. How can social media make us feel like failures? By showing us how well so many others are doing. Then I meet a fellow who is obviously bi-polar, and I picture him only on social media, the only form of interaction he gets, and I know that they are out there, too. 


December 8th: Now the anniversary of John Lennon's death, a day I hate remembering. Anyway, had a little fun yesterday. Had a veggie pizza at Sabaro's at the mall yesterday - it was good though a little cold in the middle - and working on my copper after chatting with the Dean's Health gal Mindy about my benefits and this guy saw me with this copper book called "Wonderful Power." Well, he must have thought it was about God! He showed me what he was reading and said I had to read it! It was religious trope, about near death and "seeing the light." Right away I go oh-oh and asked if a Pagan would enjoy it. He goes on to tell me about this girl who had this near death experience and saw her older sister in heaven. Her mom says but you didn't have an older sister. Turned out that woman had a miscarriage. Right away I'm thinking of my encounter at Scientology in LA, where he said he believed that souls enter the womb at moment of conception, and he remembers it because he was there! I told him no way, too many miscarriages. Anyway, I told this guy, thanks but I'm more into Karma and Reincarnation. He left me alone after that. 


December 7th: Anniversary of Pearl Harbor? Is it also anniversary of the real truth about it? Likely not. See, this is what I don't like. In my books you'll find -- not me telling you history -- but me showing you history throught events and attitudes of the day. That's where the truth emerges. What do I have on Pearl Harbor in "From Lincoln to Trump?" Good question. We all know how it got us into WWII. We all wonder if we allowed Japan to hit to give us that excuse (similar approach, some believe, to 9/11). But you'll have to look elsewhere for that particular controversy. This book gives only glancing comparisons to Democratic Presidents as it attempts to figure out why the Republican party changed so much from the seemingly liberal approach of Lincoln to what we ended up with under Trump. You will see other controversies there, though, that make the idea of the deceit of Pear Harbor very real.


December 6th: What the heck are dreams? Where do they come from? Secret desires? I've never wanted to drive a bus full of people. Past fun times? I suppose hunting for copper the few times I did it with hubby was fun but I do NOT like spending the night at a stranger's house. Symbolic messages? Maybe my need to be the leader of a group of people explains the bus dream? Where do they come from? I thought anxiety and fears. Why we dream is still one of those great unanswered questions, I learned at scienceabc.com but here's an interesting comment:


"To understand dreams, we need to take a quick look at how humans go about living our lives. Life is a lot like shopping. You have so much to choose from, and whatever you choose, see, or experience will go into your shopping cart. We might also call this shopping cart our 'experience' or 'memory bank'. All of the encounters and events of life stay in our minds. ... The unconscious mind is a bit trickier and much bigger. The unconscious mind is not bound to reality, which makes it a lot more playful. The unconscious mind is always at work, namely imagining things, twisting reality, and playing tricks on our minds. The unconscious mind is also a known culprit for causing "Déjà vu" or the feeling of having seen something before. https://www.scienceabc.com/humans/the-science-of-dreaming.html 


So I'm going with the desire to be leader of a group, contained by my visions (illustrated by driving the bus) and this makes sense to me because of all the groups I've dropped out of lately where I just don't fit. I'm dearly seeking a group but not just to participate - to have a voice, something to say, to lead by experience. After all, I am 68, and I have been a manager and leader in the past, and to some success, too. I guess that's my basic desire. I have to really fight it when I'm at the art center, because I know that there, I'm really not in my element, and yet this basic desire to lead comes out. So I apologize for everyone I've bossed around over the years! I'm going to have to return to that link on occasion, so I'll keep it here.


Monette Bebow-Reinhard spent years, while raising children, satisfying her artistic bent by acting, directing and writing plays. She wrote her first movie script in 1975 but author William Peter Blatty said it was already a movie. In 1993 she gained access to the world of Bonanza through contact with its producer/creator, David Dortort. After three years, during which she promoted a script she wrote, she met with him in LA and convinced him she could write Bonanza material. After the Calder contract ended, she became the authorized Bonanza writer with two novels published, now in 2nd and 3rd editions. She continues to write movie scripts and has won several minor awards. Her first Bonanza novel, Felling of the Sons, won two awards; a first and a second place. She earned a master's in history in 2006 and Dortort felt her vision of the Civil War, and of Lincoln, was the same as his. She picked up a co-author for Dancing with Cannibals, an African historical in 1906, using his research and vision to help him make it a controversial and exciting adventure. Between 2016 and 2017 three novels got contracts but all are no longer available, due to her disappointment in these two publishers. She has done a lot of film acting in recent years, is agented, and filmed a local commercial that aired, even in prime time, in 2020. 

Bebow-Reinhard’s most recent publication is SAVING BOONE: Legend of a Kiowa Son. This was previously published in unmarketable form with a horrible title and cover by All Things that Matter Press. Now in a new, more condensed edition, for young adult to adult, it has a great cover as you will see in the excerpts tab. It is very hard to find a publisher for an OOP book, especially one I never marketed.




MICHIGAN: COPPER ARTIFACT RESOURCE MANUAL: This would be appropriate for anyone who enjoys reading about the ancient past and their first metal technology, with lots of fun insights from professonals and a few theories of my own. 


FROM LINCOLN TO TRUMP: A Political Transformation, 2nd edition: Added features include a look at ALL presidential elections, and finishing Trump's presidency with much of his own words. You'll see more dedication to issues of economics, the Supreme Court, and women's rights, along with some cleaner text and less of my intrusive thoughts.

CIVIL WAR & BLOODY PEACE: FOLLOWING ORDERS, 2nd edition – a soldier's orders that are followed between 1862 and 1884 show relevance to today's world. Divisiveness today is easier to understand, and maybe even to deal with when we see the similarities related to race and equal rights. How did we get this way?

FELLING OF THE SONS – In 1860 Nevada, after the Paiute War, a father fights a nemesis out to destroy all he loves. His dilemma, when all three of his sons are in danger in different directions, which one does he rescue first?

MYSTIC FIRE – The Civil War in the East reaches Nevada when runaway slaves are sent to find a Cartwright to help stop Lincoln and end up tearing the family apart.

DANCING WITH CANNIBALS – Are cannibals monsters or real people? You might be surprised. Follow the adventures of two colonists to the Belgian Congo in 1906 and discover the reason some cultures eat human flesh, and how they struggled in this historical fiction to keep their world from being decimated.


GRAVEYARD: A dead woman chases her identical twin to a new town in a comedic attempt to claim her husband and her children, getting them mixed up in some afterlife hi-jinx. 

THE BIGHORN DECEIT: An infantry soldier in 1876 feels torn between duty and what's right. A FINALIST IN THE 2020 CREATIVE WORLDS AWARD COMPETITION.

AWAKENED: In 1503 Greece a cowardly soldier loses control of his demons after enacting vengeance for his undeath.

THE MEXICAN WALL AFFAIR: A Mexican woman gets rescued beyond expectation when she calls to her gods for help. ENTERED INTO CINEQUEST 2021.

DEAD MAN'S PASS: A cattle drive turns deadly when the drovers are forced to take on an obsessed drifter.


IF IT RAINS IN PARIS: Secrets tear apart a mother, daughter and granddaughter while on vacation together far from home.




DEADLINE: Envisioned as the afterlife of assassinated people, and a play that the characters can be cast as any age and any sex.


SAGA OF THE BUTCHER BROTHERS: Fun in a saloon when one of three "brothers" turnsout to be a sister.